1. Put bifocals on. Double check that you’re with
the right partner.

2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes … in case
you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn ‘em ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you
begin … just in case!

5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t
remember what to scream out at the end.

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of
money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with
a person whom you don’t especially like in the present
and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals
of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to
communicate to a man that she is interested in him.
Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty
looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily
due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that
a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance
who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her
totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman’s feeling towards a man, which
is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities
that initially attract two people to each other turn
into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man’s term for a woman who wants to
do it more often than he does.

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible
to fall in love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a
particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny,
but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears
to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive
your date is.

Scott took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like
to do first, Mary?” asked Scott.
“I want to get weighed,” she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Scott again asked Mary what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go next. “I want to get weighed,” she responded. By this time, Scott figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How’d it go?”
Mary responded, “Oh, Waura, it was wousy.

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. “I thought I was in love three times,” one friend says.

“How so?” his friend asks.

“Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me.”

“Was that not love?” his friend asks.

“No,” he replies. “That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn’t understand me.”

“Was that not love?”

“No,” he replies. “That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach.”

“Was that not love?” his friend asks.

“No,” he replies. “That was motion sickness.”